Here I Am.

I’m horrible at math but I know how to subtract really well because of having to calculate my purchases from my bank account.

“I hate working for the general public.” – close friend S.

Nostalgic of my childhood with the Mad Labs app on the iPhone.  “There is another building where a spotted African dog with big tits is so fast it can out run a Sasquatch.”

Shorts and Uggs should not be worn in combination. EVER. I beg you ladies, please stop.

You know you’re broke when mornings are spent going through magazines looking for fragrance adds with the folded sample attached to rub on yourself.

Got spit on by a rapper at a hiphop club. Nast.

Some chic was dancing all up on us at the club so I hair whipped really big to smack her with my curls.

Spent my early Saturday morning elbowing tricks at H&M for Lanvin dresses for my mother. They were too expensive for me but so worth the lack of sleep and death stares to a screaming child from my mother.

Saturday night drinking game: drink every time you see someone tragic. You’ll be wasted very quickly. Trust.

My nail tech got fired for baking weed brownies. Cool? My nails don’t think so.

Got caught lip syncing to a Lady Gaga song as I was waiting for the elevator. I swear I saw the cute guy giggle. It was an awkward ride down.

Currently accepting sugar daddy applications. Please email them to DesperateForASugaDaddy@ineedmoney.com.

Spent class at the bar of a restaurant with my classmates and teacher discussing photography and art over happy hour drinks and food. Sometimes it pays off to be an art student.

Talking about past relationship songs with best friend M. She said listening to them “Brings tears to my eyes and resentment to my soul”.

The number on the top of the Cash Cab is 7N78. I spent all summer in NYC praying I’d hail it and win big money.

Growing up playing Scrabble finally payed off. I beat a friend by 109 points. There may be hope for me in this world.

Really? Ha!

If you’re gonna wear heals or wedges on campus (which I don’t condone, you just look stupid) please for the love of God, learn how to walk in them correctly. It brings pain to my eyes to see you strugg on your way to class.

Halloween is over. Take off your cat eared headband.

You de-tagged yourself in photos of us together but left the ones I took of just you, tagged.

You understand that garbage goes into the trash can, but that when the trash can is full, not to keep stuffing garbage on top and cause a nasty overflow.

You’re mean and condescending and then have the balls to question why you’re not being welcomed with big open arms.

I like tomatoes but not ketup. I like salads but not salad dressing.

Don’t suddenly come to an abrupt stop on your bike and not expect me to crash into you. (Sorry, again, for then losing my balance and falling on top of you and your bike, making a tragic mess on the concrete.)

You know that girl in every pack of girls that has the hardest time walking in heals, and is always about five steps behind the group? She’s my fav and I thank you for making me laugh when I’m having a bad day.

I wait until the last pair of clean underwear to do laundry.

Creeper on Mill Ave: Don’t ask me for money, say you can’t see all of my legs (I was wearing boots) but you like what you can see, show me your split tongue and then ask for money. Sorryboutcha boo, but that ain’t gonna work on me.

I can hear my downstair neighbor’s cell phone vibrate if its super quiet. I wonder what he can hear?

Stop letting your children run free like a fucking wild animal. We work in retail not the babysitters club.

Who goes shopping at 8:45pm? READ THE SIGN. We close in fifteen minutes. Re-evaluate your life and please leave.

When you are awkward it makes me awkward. Stop. Rewind. Fix your shit. Play. Its a win win. Trust.

Time & Age

You’re 35, I’m 21. Do the math. It equals, HELL NO.

“Oh honey, don’t worry about being old, worry about being ugly” – My Mother

If you’re over the age of 14, why are you still riding around on a Razor scooter? It’s kind of embarrassing.

In my elder years I want an endless supply of white wine, cheese and hot men cleaning my house/pool/garden in tighty-whiteies.

Being able to purchase my own wine and then sneaking it into a movie theater is a fabulous example of my twenty-oneness.

Willow Smith you are totz a fierce diva:

I will always remember the things we said and did when we were young and in love.

I recently went through old boxes in my parents garage and upon digging through a box, found a HUGE living cockroach only inches from my hand. Fuck naaaah, those shits are nast.

Two reasons that show I’m slowing becoming my mother: She bought the exact same dress as me but in a different color. I love anything NPR.

I can’t wait to buy my daughter her first Barbie. Wait, scratch that, I can wait. Ain’t nobody getting preggers anytime soon. Thanks to birth control pills and/or the fact I’m not getting any. Whatevzzzzzz.

Time has passed and you’re still an unfortunate ho. Thats called KARMA, bitch.

It’s Halloween time again. In the world of college girls, you know what that means, “YAY! I FINALLY GET TO DRESS LIKE A BIG SLUTTY ______ AND NO ONE WILL JUDGE ME.” I will judge you.

I still love ya boo boo:

Lindsay Lohan forever.

You were a complete douche. Time passed. I may have been a bitch, but you surely deserved it. Time passed again. I’m over it. Now, lets be friends on facebook and stalk each other to see which one is hotter.

I love it when my mother gets angry at other people’s children in public places. The look in her eyes is of pure evil.

“We had some good times this year, but lets be honest, I was high for most of it”. – a quote from my high school yearbook from close friend L.

“Hey, remember that time we decided to kiss anywhere except the mouth.” – Regina Spektor.

Some things never change. I’m still a chub cheeked diva:

Me, around age 7.

No matter how old I am, I have and always will love the feeling I get when my bare feet hit the warm sand and squishes through my toes. The feeling of your eyes on me. The feeling of the air against my skin as I swing higher and higher. The feeling of knowing you look damn good and reppin it to your full potential.

A long time ago, in a city far far away, we were all young, happy and free.

10 Things You Should Know About Me

1. Has been a professional pedestrian for 21 years.
I do not have a driver’s license. Yeah, I know, I’m 21 years old and do not have a car and if I did wouldn’t be able to drive it. I took driver’s ed in high-school and have driven a car before but never went all the way and got a license. I didn’t need one where I lived in Chicago. Oak Park (where I grew up) had two different El train stops in it (Blue & Green Line). I lived a block from my high-school, three blocks from downtown Oak Park where I worked and had friends/boyfriends to drive me anywhere else my mother denied me a ride. I could take the train into the city and be there in less time and didn’t have to worry about parking.

2. Loves the way a camera shutter sounds.
I’m a photography student and have been playing with cameras for eight years now, since my first year of high-school. Im a dork and have always loved the way a shutter sounds when being pressed. Something about that sound drew me in to press it over and over and learn as much as I could about what happens when I do press it. So, basically I continued to press it and now eight years later am in my senior year of college and hope to make a living pressing it for as long as I live.

3. Can I get a holla for Chi-town?
HOLLA! Gotta rep Chicago baby!

4. Has an obsession with shoes, dresses and basically anything fashion.
And so do many other girls my age. But, my obsession is unique. Okay, not really its just a really really big obsession. I have accumulated so many shoes, dresses, skirts, pants, shorts, tops, boots, scarfs, necklaces, earrings, rings, bags and headbands. Now, I’m not some snotty rich girl who has the same closet in Clueless, the one that electronically rotates and is ginormous. This one. I tend to not pay attention to my monthly income and end up going a little hungry. But its for the sake of my gorgeous new baby blue rain boots! So, in the end its worth it.

5. Despises leggings worn as pants & jeggings
I’m not talking about wearing leggings under a dress, tunic, or skirt. (And this only means the leggings that go all the way to the ankle that are then covered by boots, not those leggings that hit at the knee and worn with flip flops. EW.) Leggings are not pants. When girls wear leggings with a tee shirt/ top its drives me crazy. I really don’t want to see allllll that. And it has nothing to do with weight, you can be 200 lbs or 85, leggings will never be a good substitute as pants. This also includes jeggings. These are leggings with designs on them to make them look like pants. They have fake seems, pockets and belt loops. Like these. Just put the jeggings down and walk away while wearing your leggings under your cute black sweater dress and fab new knee high leather boots.

6. Will become a crazy cat lady later in life.
I will blame this on my mother. I was promised a cat once we moved into a place that allowed us to have pets. Instead, we moved into a place that allowed Italian step-dads. In the end it worked out so much better than a tiny kitten would have, but I’ve still always and will always want a kitten to greet me when I come home from a long day and annoyingly follow me around meowing for hours. Ah, bliss. So, when I become an old lady, to make up for lost time, I will have probably about 6 cats. When you come to visit me and my 6 cats, remember to send a thank you letter to my mother.

7. Would die to be a Britney Spears backup dancer.
This is a combination of my many years of dance and my many years of being a die hard Britney Spears fan. I was there from the beginning with Oops I Did It Again all the way to Its Britney Bitch. I’d love to become her bff and be the first friend she called to drive her to the hair salon so she can buzz of all her hair. (Except that wouldn’t work out that well considering I can’t drive. Damn. Making a note of that for reasons to get a driver license.) Anyways, I’d love to be on stage pelvic thrusting with the princess of pop and moving my body to the fabulous way she sings, err, I mean lip-syncs at her performances. Come on, who wouldn’t?!

8. Will never ever not have an iPhone.
I love my iPhone. Everyone that has one knows what I’m talking about and for those of you who don’t, well I just feel bad for you. I’ll let you play with mine. Maybe.

9. Is slowly becoming her amazing mother.
I had to add amazing, because I know my mother will read this. Hi mom! Love you!

10. Confessions, moments and ramblings.
I will share my confessions, ramble on about things and show you moments. Moments being the photos I take when I press that delicious sounding shutter.